just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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