I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
