My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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