at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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