Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
