I cockslap morals
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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