So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
