I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
im on a boat
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