I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
