i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
