just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
