theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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