I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
