As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
