Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
