Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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