i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
