Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
