I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
