I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
