If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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