Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
These tits shall not be calmed
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
