Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
