I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
