my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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