I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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