you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Randomize
