I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
