I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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