Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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