Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
