god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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