Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
