Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You smell like stripper and shame
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
