wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
