I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
someone owes me an orgasm
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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