Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
