the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
