i just wanna soil my oats bro
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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