i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
