He is like the real live version of the state fair..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
