i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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