Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she pinky promised me she was 18
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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