Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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