I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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