I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
