I showed him my bush... on skype.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize