On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
