All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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