I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have fence marks all over my body
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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