Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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