New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
ttyl tear gas
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize