Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I accidentally burped into my bong.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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