On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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