My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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