she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
