you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
