i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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