My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
