You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
