I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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