I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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