Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
