How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
