"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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